did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
