All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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