you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
