So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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