I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
did you just send me my own nude
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
