DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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