ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
