The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
