I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
