HIV tests are more positive than that guy
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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