i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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