Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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