I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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