I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
