Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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