They should really pass out barf bags in church
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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