I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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