Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
