I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
