he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
