Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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