Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
