i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
