zippers are such a cool invention
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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