On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
