Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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