Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
