I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
