Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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