My balls are so social today.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
