My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
