i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
