Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
