she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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