god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
