happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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