I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
