Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
