Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
