I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
