So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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