wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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