You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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