I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
