Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
