So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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