What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
