Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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