Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
