Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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