The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
