3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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