i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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