I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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